Shhhhhhhhhhhh

Ah, it's good to be back! As you may have now deduced, I have made it through 10 days at the monastery and am no worse for the ware. BE FOREWARNED: this entry will be LEEEEEENNNNNNGGGGGTTTTTHHHHHYYYYYY, but it's 10 days worth all saved up for your reading pleasure, so just deal...or skim if you prefer. For lack of other ideas, I will begin at the beginning and end at the end. When I arrived at Wat Suan Mokkh, I discovered to my great dismay that no journaling, reading, listening to music or any other forms of entertainment were allowed--that was the first time I considered walking out. I had planned to journal my little heart out, jotting down every thought and brilliant insight that was sure to come along; sadly journaling was deemed a distraction form yourself, a diversion for the mind and was thought to lessen the benefit of the experience. Ok. I get it already. Almost in tears (it was like parting with close friends really) I turned in my journal and all my books to remove temptation from my world. I got the abbreviated tour (as, unbeknownst to me, (stupid website) I had arrived a few hours late...) and then went to put my things in my room or should I say...cell? Here lies the second time I considered leaving--I opened the padlock on door 107 (one in a line of many in a rectangular courtyard) to be greeted by a room constructed entirely of cement--floor, walls, bed, small window...that was pretty much it. Yes the bed was cement. No, no mattress on it, just a cement shelf. To be fair, there were a few extra items to make the room more cozy: a bamboo mat (thickness=10 sheets of paper at best), a small wool blanket (useless in warm weather), a mosquito net (because the walls were latticed at the top so to make sure bugs and creatures have easy access) and a wooden pillow. Wooden pillow. If you can think of a better oxymoron, please let me know. I was quickly instructed how to remove stinging centipedes, snakes and scorpions from my quarters should need arise, there was a short info session for practical matters, the vow of silence was instated and then lights out around 9:15. Tired from the previous nights moonlight boat ride, running on only a few hours rest, I fell asleep without terrible trouble until the big bell woke us up at 4am. I had been worried about waking up, but as promised (with a wink and a knowing smile) by the staff, the bell was unmissable. Then the really hard part began.

We were scheduled from 4:30am-9:00pm (see schedule HERE) every day with only two meals and tea for sustenance (and three coinciding breaks). But, some things were looking up, for one--breakfast was acceptable--rice glop with the occasional red bean, greens and bananas on the side and tea. [Note: actually this got old after about 2 days, maybe 3 and by the end of 10 I could barely touch it, but it seemed okay at the time.] For another, lunch was really delicious--this one held through--usually tea, rice, a veggie or tofu stew of some sort, often curry, another veggie/noodle dish and sometimes a third vegetable on the side and maybe rambutans for dessert if we were lucky. And at tea time, we had hot chocolate or sweetened tea (both yummy) which was great except a few times we had this other weird milky drink I didn't much care for, it was a gigantic let down when I saw that i the pot. Also, there was a natural hot springs available for out indulgence after breakfast and tea. I made a habit of going there after tea and then showering at the outdoor showers there. I was one of many who adopted the routine as the alternative for bathing was to use the big basins of water at the dorms. WE were required to have sarongs covering ourselves at all times so that meant holding the sarong with one hand, pouring water over your head from a dish with the other and scrubbing your hair with a third...wait a minute...well it was a challenge in coordination to be sure. However, I doubt that a dip in a sizzling natural pool followed by a cool refreshing outdoor shower can be beat in terms of pleasant after tea rituals, especially if the tea was actually hot chocolate. It was a luxury easy to grow accustomed to and hard to give up, but it was a well deserved pleasure.

At the end of the first day, I looked back and could not see the beginning, I looked forward and 9 more days seemed like eternity plus one ion and then some. Though I was determined to complete the program, I thought I may actually be at risk of passing into the afterworld (if there is one) first. Over the following couple of days, a number of changes took place. The most helpful in shifting my attitude about the place was that I adjusted quicker than I thought possible to the early starts. The mornings remained my favorite part of every day. Rising while the stars are still twinkling, a candle lit reading, peaceful meditation and yoga with a slow sunrise in the background is one heck of a great way to kick the day off right. [Note: the yoga teacher was unfortunately boring as ever--same measly routine everyday--but it was a blessing in disguise because it gave me practice coming up with my own sequences as I marched to the beat of my own drum in the back and this way, every session was, frankly, superb.] Rather than a struggle , as I had anticipated, silence was easy, comfortable, peaceful. It's something I already miss, even after just hours. It lifted many pressures and allowed full focus to be dedicated to the task at hand whatever that may have been--eating lunch, washing clothes, walking from point a to point b; small tasks were simple, pleasant, stress free. The days got easier with a bit of practice and actually passed at a, not fast, but certainly steady pace. I doctored up my bed with my yoga mat and a snagged meditation cushion or two--not really something to fall into per say, but livable.

Sadly, not every change that occurred was for the better. The more I learned about Buddhism, the more dis-enamored I became with it. My mind sometimes wandered to what I might be writing in this entry and I must admit there were moments when I thought of using it as a forum to express my dislike, frustration, even my anger at what was being taught, but I've decided that such an expression is better left for smaller more individual discourses--rest assured I will take you up on the opportunity to express my views with enthusiasm. A crucial point I must mention though, is that unfortunately, anapanasati meditation (the type we practiced at Wat Suan Mokkh) is intimately linked with the Buddhist belief system or way of life, as they would put it. This made it terribly hard to stay motivated to practice with the necessary concentration.

On day 5 I took my concerns to a 15 minute chat available for trouble and talked to Khun Reihart--a lovely cheerful staff member. It looks like all of his teeth have fallen out and been pasted back in again, but he somehow manages to have a delightful smile that illuminates both his face and yours momentarily. He gave me just the perspective I needed to carry on; I was then more able to take what I deemed valuable information and leave the rest to dissipate into the wind. Day 6 I found the pace of my thought slowed, the volume lowered. I've never experienced a quiet mind, but there were moments even, when I thought of nothing or rather had no thought and they were blissful in their own right (but fleeting as moments often are). A few really persistent thoughts continued to interrupt my meditation sessions, time and time again carrying my attention away form my breathing where it should've stayed put. Walking meditation kept my thoughts still a bit more which was a happy success.

Days went by as they're prone to do, I learned a new kind of exhaustion--that from sitting on the floor with only a few cushions and from concentration to the point of frequent headaches. My joints creaked and popped in ways they never had, my limbs went numb on and off, my brain felt sleepy and sore like after a long study session--but I took joy in small things--a cool breeze, a small exchange of smiles, a warm cup in my palms, the nuzzle of a monastery cat, the waxing moon, the flicker of a candle. Suddenly it was day 9. On this day, every talking/chanting session was replaced by meditation to own our rhythm. This meant we could stand, sit or walk when we pleased, but we had to grind through a total of 9 plus hours of meditation in one day. Needless to say, this day kinda hurt, but like the others, it too passed by, and then there we were at day 10. Our numbers had gone from 68 to 45 over the course of the retreat. I never saw anyone leave--a pretty good trick that speaks to the quality or the staff--but the meditation hall got slowly but noticeably emptier. Everyone left at the end could be proud just to be present. We each had a few minutes to speak our piece at the microphone the last night--it was fun and fascinating to hear everyone's voice, learn where they were from and get their insights, quips and occupations. The silence was officially broken on the morning of Day 11 and we had a few hours to socialize. There are too many great background stories to recount. I t was a joy beyond words to finally discuss our shared experience, validate our opinions and struggles and laugh at our difficulties. I parted with a soft melancholy in my heart--so many lovely people, and not enough time to get to know them better.

Hmmmm... final thoughts...I'm glad I went through with the retreat for sure--100%. I don't think anapanasati will be the style of meditation I intend to practice daily, but there's the rest of my life to find that. What's more I got to know myself a bit better--never time wasted and took away a large handful of insightful tidbits for life and living it well. Journaling was discouraged but we were free to jot down knowledge gained so whenever some words worth putting into print passed my way, I remembered then for later recording. The longer version of numbered lessons can be found here, but the cliff notes are these:

• you and nature are of the same so treat it with care
• a smile passed back and forth between strangers can turn two days around
• let go of the past, don't worry about the future, your happiness is in this moment
• try to be fully present in everything you do and say
• let love and compassion dominate your exchanges with others
• the care of family and close friends can release you from suffering

May sunlight peep though the cracks between your obligations today and every day after. If you have 10 minutes or even 5, maybe try sitting still and quiet and being with yourself. It isn't the American way--I know this--but doing nothing can be doing something if you make it so.

Yada yada, don't let my new found wisdom overwhelm you, sending smiles for miles!